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'Then sometimes again it seems that all I have is worry, and then you're bound to see my other side' - Cyndi Lauper, Don't let me be misunderstood.

While I was in Amsterdam on Friday I walked the Negen Straatjes and found Nieuws.

I love kitsch and in this shop there is so much kitsch. Heaven, really!

I bought Son #1 a paper robot kit for his birthday (which is tomorrow) and was so tempted to buy huge quantities of other kitschy stuff.

Considered buying this bag. Wanted one of these too, aren't they cute?

**You can find Nieuws at Prinsengracht 297, 1016 GX, Amsterdam or look at their website.

'I'll be there as soon as I can, but I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before' - Muse, Unintended

Margaret Atwood writes poetry. Why did I not know this before? Actually, I did know because I know this poem, but my goldfish attention span and incredibly poor memory let me down. What caused this memory loss? Prozac? Or was I a crack addict somewhere in my previous life?

Anyway, this is one of my new favourites:

Is/Not

Love is not a profession
genteel or otherwise

sex is not dentistry
the slick filling of aches and cavities

you are not my doctor
you are not my cure,

nobody has that
power, you are merely a fellow/traveller

Give up this medical concern,
buttoned, attentive,

permit yourself anger
and permit me mine

which needs neither
your approval nor your surprise

which does not need to be made legal
which is not against a disease

but against you,
which does not need to be understood

or washed or cauterized,
which needs instead

to be said and said.
Permit me the present tense.

--- Margaret Atwood, Is/Not

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Other, less ethereal activities than reading poetry yesterday included job interviews and playing dress-up..

I am moderately excited about one of the interviews, maybe even going so far as to say 'hopetimistic'! It's working as a PA for a director, one on one in a great environment. Pretty much everything I want in a job, except the hours, but everyone has to work, right?

The playing dress-up? The Biba boutique inside the V&D dept store has the best saleslady I think I've ever met. She's Bosnian and probably a little bit older than me. I first visited the store in December sometime and we got talking and had an immediate connection. She thought I was Eastern European at first. I don't look Dutch, just different really. Plus when I speak there's my accented Dutch. So we talked a whole lot about how we came to Holland etc, about how it feels to be a foreigner. There was a sale on then so I just stood in the change room and she brought armfuls of clothes for me to try on.

Yesterday I went in for a new coat, and tried pretty much the entire spring collection. Favourites were a white PVC-ish tight-waisted jacket with a tied waist, and layered underneath a sort of frilly orange printed blouse and a gorgeous gold-beige beaded blouse that falls from just under the breasts. Slinky! Alas, I need an income in line with my Biba addiction.

It was fun to try everything on, see what works, what doesn't. In comparison the Benetton top and shirts I tried were just... blah. I guess I really do like Biba.

I have to admit to really liking the saleslady though. Do you have a store that you go to just because you like the staff? Every single thing I do in terms of shopping is based on whether or not I like the staff in the shop. My car, flowers, bakery, butchery, clothing, hairdresser, gym, even the supermarket I go to is chosen because I like the staff.

In Amsterdam I popped into Cora Kemperman and Noon on the Leidsestraat. I found a new label in Noon that I really like, called Tiger, except I can't find it on the Internet? Anyone know it?

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Oh, I was happy, neutral, slightly sad (4%) and angry, according to Glad or Sad. Thanks for voting for my picture. Just wondering where the angry came from? I mean, I am, but jesus - it shows that much?

This week I am actually happy. Not too obsessive, not freaked out, not gnashing my teeth about my future. Even a little bit contented. Yes, really! That means I haven't written anything because when I'm not in a deep pit of despair I don't write.

In 'We Need to Talk About Kevin' Lionel Shriver said something about how we dig ourselves into a hole a teaspoon at a time. So maybe I've been digging myself out a teaspoon at a time.

And then I read that maybe all that Prozac really did nothing for me after all?

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Christine Kane is writing this week about the Law of Attraction and I finally get it. I get it I get it I get it.

Let's take an example. I am a good person to know because there is always a parking space free for me, (ok, so that's just one reason it's good to know me). But there is always a parking spot for me. Always.

So I'm all 'yeah, the universe loves me because it gives me a parking space right in front of where I need to be, every single time.' Then I congratulate myself on attracting good things (like parking spaces) but I sort of forgot that I'm also attracting bad shit (like when I broke the bumper on my car).

No more part time belief in the law of attraction for me.

I am the centre of my own universe.

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Going to Zandvoort later with S and her kids and will break the no-kids-pics-on-the-blog rule tomorrow. Just this once.
 

'When I feel down, I want you above me.' - The Diviynls, I Touch Myself.

Sitting around in my t-shirt and boy shorts at 1 pm here, browsing tees. (Yes, I'm cheating, this is written on Sunday and posted on Monday. But now it's Monday at 8 am and I'm still in t-shirt and boy shorts, so nothing really changed.)

This tee is for me. Just ask anyone.

This is always true. They should have one that says 'will fuck for shoes'. Gives a whole new meaning to the 'nice shoes, wanna fuck?' chat up routine.

Yes, she did.

Love this, wonder if I could wear it and get away with it. Hey, what's a change of orientation now and again between friends?

Because I am. We all are.

And finally.

Whatever.

'You make me make me make me hungry again.' - The Cure, Why Can't I Be You?

Guess who found Jezebel.com. Guess who has subsequently been feeding herself a steady diet of celebrity gossip? (I'll give you a hint here.. it's not you.)

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Glad I'm not alone with the unwashed hair. Yes, really. It's once every few days here, and I get the best results washing with very little of my John Frieda stuff for curls, slicking it full of a Garnier wash-out masque, which you don't wash out (very important, that) and then taking myself into the sauna where it dries into beautiful curls. Otherwise it's just limp and flat and blah. Especially if I wash it too often. Often I skip the shampoo and just put the other stuff in, then I relaaaaaax and the heat does all the work.

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Went out last night to somewhere new: Bazar. Gorgeous, gorgeous. Had a huge table upstairs and ordered plates to share.  Download the menu and take a look. The ambience was great and so was the company.

(Interruption to address a reader directly: Yes yes, I know you read this blog so there are no hidden meanings in that specific sentence! Thanks for inviting me!)

The food was good and the bill was even better (23 euros each).  Afterwards we wandered around a bit. First to an Irish pub, on the godknowswhere, then a brown cafe also on the godknowswhere, (hey, great sense of direction I have) and finally a taxi home at 1.30 am. This Friday night thing is becoming a habit.

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No, I am not back in the gym, yet. This is making me bitchy, bitchy bitchy. Also I want to sleep all the time, unsure of the connection there?

I did a training on Tuesday with one of the trainers who is much stronger and fitter than me (and a man). Old style condition training it's called. You use the other person as your resistance and then you do all kinds of funky things like lift a bench while the other person walks up it. And do pull-ups with the other person applying counter-weight. Oh my. Up until today I couldn't move my shoulders without squealing. I'm just a little bit recovered now. Enough to go and do it all over again. All those little muscle fibres just re-knitted and I'm about to go un-knit them again. My right ankle (with the shinsplints) is so swollen, I have a cankle!

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Did you know that you can buy things from Zara Home here in the Netherlands? Neither did I. Now we both do. I have a jones for this bedlinen. Maybe one day when I grow up.

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Chloe did six things. I think I need to do six things too, 'cos I'm such a follower of fashion.

So here are my six:

1. I put things in my mouth all the time. Coffee spoons, my hair, my fingers, your fingers... uh. I'll stop now.
   
   
2. If there are Marie biscuits in my house I shouldn't drink tea. The two go together far too well, then before I know it I've eaten a whole packet. Dipped of course. Then I think of my hips and I mourn.
   
   
3. I'm funny when I have an audience. Cynical funny. To the 'ouch' degree, but only with native English speakers. Sorry native Dutch speakers, you lose. I should do improv.
   
   
4. I worked as a waitress in a vegan restaurant. Our only salary was the tips we made. My girlfriend (who was it again who worked with me, my memory is terrible?) and I used to wear hotpants under our frilly strawberry printed aprons and bend over suggestively to get more tips. She had bigger boobs so she'd lean forward and I had the better bum so I'd sidle in from the side to put the plates in front of the customers. The restaurant was tiny, with an open kitchen.
   
   We'd walk out of it in pairs, one plate in each hand, held just high enough to push our tits out and really make a statement. We found that working the tables with a two-sided approach worked perfectly. Eventually we had tables of businessmen completely captivated and the 100 dollar tips were rolling in. I'm pretty sure the entire business district of Harare was in our restaurant at one point or another.
   
   The middle-aged man can be a wonderful thing, when you're a hot teenager. Actually, almost being middle-aged myself, I have to say that the almost middle-aged man is a wonderful thing at any time.
   
   
5. Chloe mentioned her pistachio and pink phases. I had a red winter and I'm having a black and white summer. Where is the grey? Why is everything always so delineated? Grey is in this spring. The shops are full of it.
   
   
6. I have been married twice. Failure is a noun, but also an emotion.
   

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It's spring break. Crocus vakantie. What will we do? Lie around a lot I suspect. Drive all over I suspect. Today we're starting off well with a party.

Next Friday the kids have daycare for the day and I'm off for the day. Millais is waiting. Who wants to come with?