Life: March 2008 Archives

'I'd like to meet a human who makes it all seem clear.' - Morcheeba, Over and Over

Divorce is never an easy subject. Everyone is invested emotionally around the idea, whether they want to be or not. There are two camps in the divorce argument, the 'you should not ever at any cost' and the 'choose for your own happiness'.

My own parents are divorced, after 25 years together. All I could think when I was growing up was 'Why are you two still even trying?' 12 years on, they spend Christmases together. They are considerably better apart than they were together. Neither has a current relationship.

So which divorce camp am I in? Mostly #2 I guess though I spent a good long period in #1. I think when you've been married once before you tend to want to see if you can make it work the second time at all costs, especially costs to yourself.

I'm getting divorced, because I've decided that some paths are better walked separately, perhaps in parallel because of the kids, but nonetheless separately.

It's been a long time coming. Fear kept me paralysed. I wasn't able to make choices because I feared that I might make the wrong one. I've realised since that any choice is better than no choice at all. I'm the author of my own story and if I want to change the script I can. Anytime I like. If I mess it up, I can change the direction of the next chapter and start again.

It's going to be interesting. No-one thinks they move to another country to get divorced. Now I'm trying to navigate a divorce in a foreign country, where both partners hold different nationalities, as do both children, and where the marriage took place somewhere other than the Netherlands.

'Don't you worry, this will all make sense tomorrow.' - Alison Moyet, Ordinary Girl

Yesterday I watched a woman in a headscarf and a jilbab kiss her man late in the afternoon on the 300 bus.

She held his hand; otherwise they didn't touch, except for the lips and the clasped fingers, clenched tightly.After the kiss, they leaned back and gazed into each other's eyes. A gaze so powerful I could feel it from my side of the bus. At the stop before mine they stepped off the bus at my stop and walked into the distance, not touching. She demure, him aloof.

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I drove, half-asleep today at midday, from where I was to where I am. The sun shone for a while. I listened to the radio, but I couldn't tell you what was playing because I didn't really hear it.

Later, I visited the apartment I'm going to move into in August. The owner, who is Portuguese, made me instant coffee with milk powder and heaps of sugar to drink while we viewed the flat.  I was transported immediately to my boarding school where we premixed instant coffee, milk powder and sugar and then ate it out the jar instead of making coffee with it.

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I visited the flower shop where I used to work to talk to my ex-boss, and, coincidentally (there are no coincidences) my other ex-boss and her husband came in to discuss the flowers they are ordering for the re-dedication of their wedding vows. Surrounded by the scent of paper whites we discussed divorce, while they pored over books of wedding flowers.

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I lay in my bed with Seb and read some of The Dark is Rising after he finished watching the rugby. I talked on the phone and heard things I wanted to hear. I ate strawberries with yoghurt. I have The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle next to my bed to read in a minute, but I really want to be reading We Need to Talk about Kevin. I might read nothing at all. When faced with what I must do and what I want to do I rarely choose either option, preferring to flee.

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I'm giving it 100%. Because anything that's worth doing is worth doing well. Right?

My week has been one of run around, work, go to meetings, have sick kids, try to train at the gym, and fail badly to get enough sleep. With one exception - one night out to do something fun.

I went to dinner with a friend at Praq in Ouderkerk a/d Amstel last night. I love Praq. We both had the lamb knuckle with cassoulet, and bread and butter pudding and appelbol with cinnamon icecream for dessert (and shared, just a bit). It was fun, a corner seat to watch people and giggle (a lot), and then the walk into the cold night air later on.

Work is great. Lovely colleagues, and it's fun. Still, I'm looking forward to the weekend. An awful lot.

'There there baby, it's just text book stuff, it's in the ABC of growing up' - Imogen Heap, Speeding Cars

I'm so lucky. So so lucky.

• I start a new job on Tuesday with everything I wanted: a really nice boss, at Schiphol (12 mins on the bus), nice environment, a good salary, and there is Starbucks! Should have seen me gulp that mocha latte yesterday, drink three coffees in my interview and then shake for a few hours afterward.
  
  My attitude toward my career has changed. I'm ready to give it 100%, even if it means losing some of my other commitments.
  
  
• I have daycare four days a week! I called the daycare where the kids used to go in the mornings, and Peter, the owner said 'coincidentally, we have just had a cancellation for 3 children for Tuesday and Thursday'. I know who the three children are too - they're the ones we went to the beach with last week. Ingrid, the lovely lady at the other daycare gave me my Wednesday back too, so I only have Mondays where I need to rely on my network of friends.
  
  
• For every ending, there is a new beginning. Really. There is. You just have to believe in it. Read this.
  

'I never realised, how badly I needed to be surprised.' -Sara Melson, Happy Endings

1. celebrate an 8 year olds birthday (done and almost done, just wait for the disco bowling)
2. have a virtual break (can I really do it?)
3. bake something (and try not to eat it all)
4. wake up somewhere else (a weekend away)
5. watch more easylaughs (because we all need to)
6. read The Wind Up Bird Chronicle (bookclub)
7. plan meals for a month (necessity for when I start work again)
   
8. have a mexican (just because)
9. watch a movie. this one. (take a deep breath)
10. be less of a delicate flower (because you know, sometimes being a delicate flower is well, boring)
    
11. eat more prickly pears (had some today, and I want to do it again, right now)
12. listen to more Sara Melson (because she's fab)

Nice list huh?

 

'I hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain ...' - Sheryl Crow, Sweet Child o' Mine

Oh my baby boy, you are 8 today. I still think of the very first time we met, your hands clasped together, your blue blue eyes looking up at me, your tiny naked body slippery wet against my breasts.

Happy birthday my darling.

I love you.