concerts; white africans, good enough parents & other stuff
Nkosi, sikeleli Afrika., or in Shona, Ishe Komborera Afrika.
Concerts
On Wednesday I'm going to see R.E.M. I had Radiohead tickets because R.E.M was sold out, but thanks to marktplaats and some good luck I swapped! Funny thing, the guy that phoned me to swap had such a young voice that I thought he was a teenager. I was really expecting the door to be opened by someone's mum, but no, it was a middle-aged man. It goes with the article I read recently about how the only people who can afford to go to concerts are the middle-aged. Ehm. That says a lot about me I know.
On Saturday I checked my email early enough and got tickets for Amy McDonald (I missed her last time she was in Amsterdam) and also for Jason Mraz. A few weeks ago I got tickets for Paul Weller. So that's four! I love living in the Netherlands, it's a musical playground.
Personal Manifestos
I read on a motivational website the other day about making your own personal manifesto. Despite sounding all Chairman Mao, a personal manifesto seems like a really good idea. What are you really after? What do you want? What are your primary goals in life?
The idea is to define your goals in one sentence which you can repeat to yourself as a kind of mantra or a reminder of why you're doing thing you're doing when it's bogging you down. Or maybe just to define to yourself what you really want. If you ask most people what their goals are, they'll have some longwinded explanation (after looking away embarrassedly) about what they think they want. The key is taking that longwinded explanation, trimming all the bullshit away and leaving just the core. I'm still working on my manifesto, but I'd love to know if any of you have one.
Being good-enough
I'm struggling with the concept of not being a 'perfect' mom anymore. My kids are in daycare for 102 hours a month now. It's 102 hours that they used to be with me, albeit while we were at football, the gym, tennis lessons, at home. I doubt if much of the 102 hours was actual one on one time with me, but still, I was there. Now I'm not there at all during those 102 hours and I'm not there during the time they're asleep at night.
Perhaps it's time to revisit the concepts of Donald Winnicott's Good-Enough Mother. When I was in psychotherapy back in the mid-90s and agonising about being a 'bad parent' my psychiatrist presented me with Winnicott's work (The Child, The Family and the Outside World) as well as Alice Miller's Drama of Being a Child. I read through them and although I was able to analyse and rationalise the contents to myself I was never able to apply the concepts to my own life. Perhaps now that I'm older I'll be able to apply those concepts more effectively.
This ties in a bit to some of the things that my post on The Reader made me think about. The futility of making choices for other people and the inability I have to let go and allow those choices to happen. There's nothing harder sometimes than standing back and letting things take their course.
White and African
Still reading Blood River and I'm about half way through now. The immense grief I felt for Africa at the beginning of the book has abated a little, but I find that some passages really shriek at me. Like the one I read about how the Congo massacres in the 1960s run a black vein of fear through every white African, because we've heard about it from when we were little and it pulls on the 'them and us' divide that is instilled in us from birth.
When I was about 9 or 10 our white neighbours were held at gun point by black rebels in their house. The man was raped and tortured to death while the wife and their three kids cowered in a bathroom which was inaccesible from outside. They heard him screaming all night until he finally died at about 5 am. In the morning the party-line telephone rang and the news filtered slowly from farm to farm until finally it got to us. The first thing my mom said, standing in the passage in her candlewick dressing gown, tears streaming down her face, was 'my god, it's getting to be like the Congo here'.
Tim Butcher is quite astute in his observations about white Africans sometimes.
REM! Jealous! Hope you enjoy it.
I've never read Winnicott but having read about his book here and on various other blogs, it sounds interesting. I was a bit of a career mother with my first, but as my family grew and things got ever so slightly wilder, I have had to accept that my good enough is good enough for them. As I approach 40, I am focusing far more on achieving my own dreams, and I think that it is better for the family in general that I am no longer in self-sacrifice mode. I am a lot less angry this way.
Blood River sounds like a book I should read. That story you mention is the kind of thing we used to hear in Joburg a lot, both true and urban myth. I used to sleep with a knife under my pillow, just in case.
I guess I must be middle-aged :( - I saw 16 concerts over the course of 18 months spanning 2006/07. And twice, two shows in one weekend. Or maybe it's just an addiction of a sort of mine. R.E.M. I saw further back than that, but loved them live. You should be in for a good show!
Funny - I was just saying to Nick while on holiday that I wanted to write down some more concrete goals... Manifesto sounds like a fab idea.
And I have now read a couple of things about Blood River and it's on my list, although I will have to be feeling pretty strong to read it. A friend of mine in Johannesburg was raped in his house by intruders. He died of HIV a couple of years later. Cry the beloved country, indeed