kiss & tell
'' When I grow up I'll be stable.' - Garbage, When I Grow Up
So, why the change? You can't work out why I'm so different or 'contrived and affected' and 'not really me'.
Well.
I can only say that during the cooking, cleaning and tidying up, living through my kids, trying not to hurt anyone's feelings, this 'me' was always there. Just suffocated under years of doing as I was told.
I don't want to do what I'm told anymore.
I want to be a person who makes choices, not a person who lets everyone else make them.
Not that person who when being told that I would be moving to somewhere I didn't even know, said, 'oh well, do whatever you want, I'm fine with that.' when actually I was never fine with it.
This bitchy, self-centred, contrived and affected person you see here is just a different facet of the person who cooked, sewed, ironed shirts, pleased everyone, pretended life was peachy and that all the choices in it belonged to someone else.
I'm floundering in uncertainty. My life has very few roses in it, my marriage is best left unmentioned for now, my children grow older and more independent, time is passing and you only ever get one chance at life, I could go on and on and on.
But I'm hemmed in, constrained by choices I can't make.
I spent the last 34 years pleasing everyone, and now I'm trying not to, and I swing wildly between extremes. There is a balance there somewhere, but I haven't found it yet. One day the pendulum will swing back and settle somewhere in the middle.
Oh, and I hardly cook anymore because I don't really eat anymore. Funny that.
I can't write about sweetness and light when there isn't any.
It's not surprising that I spend too much time in my head.
So now you know.
I actually thought that this is the real Ash- The one that grew up wild and beautiful in Zimbabwe. I thank you for making the effort and having the courage to try and find out who you really are and where you want to be. Both physicaly and in your head. Not because I didn't like the "old" Ash, because I did, but it makes me go "Yea" for you and gives me hope that for myself.
*Hugs* Thanks for sharing. Like I said it's your blog (and life of course) so of course you are free to do what you like.
Some you are feeling so uncertain and adrift and tumultuous. Hopefully this year will bring some clarity after all the changes and you'll get a sense of who you really are underneath it all.
It must be hard going through the radical transformation you have been. I imagine it's like stripping of layers. Also you have made the changes so fast and with everything in your life. Not sure how you are keeping up with it actually.
Anyway just be true to YOURSELF, that's all you can ever be.
*JANE*
I still read, but I liked the longer posts better. This feels more 'hurried'. I thought that was probabely because you had to do one post a day this year (the 365days challenge).
But for me it was easier to comment on the old blog, that felt more like you wanted interaction. Here I often feel as if you 'challenge' people with the new-found aspects of yourself, which is more communication from you to the readers than aimed at dialogue.
Weird in a way, because I am rather bad at cooking, gardening and sowing so I never really commented on any of those things either ;)
Good for you, Ash! I'm thinking the same way, the difference being I'm doing it in my sixties. You've got an extra 30 years to benefit from the change. Go for it, girl!
What a sad entry... I'm sorry you're feeling so hemmed in and uncertain. Others before you have felt this way, and others after you will feel this way too. In order for you to grow and understand the world you're living in, you must experience life, and I suppose that this also includes pain and suffering. While this will not decrease the amount of pain you feel, it should help you understand that with each passing day you will change and grow stronger. With each passing day, it'll allow you to understand more about yourself and what you want from life... and that the more you look to yourself for a purpose and completion, the happier you will be.
Stay strong Ash, and if you ever need a friend, you know how to find me.
Rachael, thanks so much for this. It gives me hope!
Finding out what you're all about is a difficult thing. I'm thinking I missed the college years of self-absorption.
I'm about to mail you about something else.
Jane, it is so like stripping off layers, figuratively and literally. Hopefully when I get to the inside there will be something left :S
Keith: thanks for the encouragement and for leaving a comment :)
Marjolein, I'll have to try and provoke more dialogue :) I think you are one of the few people who comments more on this one than the previous. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.