delete. repeat.
'A long time ago we used to be friends, but I haven't thought of you lately at all.' - The Dandy Warhols, We Used to be Friends
Hitting the delete button seems so final doesn't it? When I first started using social networking applications I couldn't delete, couldn't get my mind around the idea of just sending a person (and all their stuff) to the recycle bin. It just seemed so mean.
Facebook is especially adamant when you hit delete:
'This action cannot be undone'.
Today I deleted a whole lot of people. People I don't talk to, people I added because they asked for an add and I felt bad saying no, people I don't really want poking their nose in my profile anymore, people I just think 'ok, I've read all about you and now I'm moving on'.
It's not a personal thing, it's just more a 'why?' thing.
Why keep someone on your 'friends' list forever when you're actually not really friends?
Someone told me the other day, I think it was at book club (Dory moment here), that a study showed that you only really have 50 concurrent friends/good acquaintances. As one new one is made, one old one has to make way.
A huge part of it is the mobile culture we live in. No-one is where they grew up anymore really, and even if you are, perhaps your job or your lifestyle means you're different from the people around you. Online social networking let's you look into the lives of people you knew and compare yourself and see if you came out better or worse. But once you've compared your achievements and had a look at yourself through the eyes of people you knew 15 or 20 years ago, what other basis do you have for continuing an acquaintanceship?
Take a high school reunion for example. The only reason people go to those horrible things is to see whether they're better or worse off than their former peers. No-one really keeps in contact after a reunion unless there was some unresolved business from before or unless they already kept in contact before the reunion.
Then you have the random messaging type of online social networking friends. So you message a few times and then you get the 'let's be friends' and then you message a bit more and find out that really, no, you have nothing in common. Delete really seems the best option here.
It seems that every 30-something and 40-something is in a crisis of making new relationships and friendships. I've never had any trouble making acquaintances so I can't imagine what it must be like to struggle to do that. Apparently people do, and some canny investors saw the gap in the market and made off line social networking groups. They're springing up all over the place.
My one trainer, 30 something, single, female, not dating, at the gym directed me to this website :
Nieuwe Mensen Leren Kennen
Another acquaintance directed me here:
Doe Date
Then there is:
Meetin.org
The idea is fabulous, and will definitely make money, but it made me think of something else. If it's difficult to delete an online acquaintance who you just made but doesn't really fit with you, how difficult will it be to do the same when you start moving into social networking off line?
This is not like where you get introduced by someone you know to a group of people you haven't met and where the person introducing you has a pretty good idea of whether you will fit. This is like a blind date on a grand scale. And if you take the 50 friends limit into account, then who do you lose when you make a new friend at one of these events?
Interesting isn't it?
Opinions please.
Then there is:
Meetin.org
The idea is fabulous, and will definitely make money, but it made me think of something else. If it's difficult to delete an online acquaintance who you just made but doesn't really fit with you, how difficult will it be to do the same when you start moving into social networking off line?
This is not like where you get introduced by someone you know to a group of people you haven't met and where the person introducing you has a pretty good idea of whether you will fit. This is like a blind date on a grand scale. And if you take the 50 friends limit into account, then who do you lose when you make a new friend at one of these events?
Interesting isn't it?
Opinions please.
When I first started up with Facebook, I only added people I actually talk to in real life. Although, in all honesty, I joined to satisfy that curiosity of "what are they doing now?" After I found out what 'they' were doing (there were a few surprises but most were doing the same damn things they were doing back in high school) I was pretty much over it. But then I started getting the friend requests... people that I hadn't seen since elementary school... and honestly we weren't even really friends then because I was a pretty shy kid. I haven't bothered deleting anyone yet. I've thought about it but honestly I just haven't taken the time.
As for the 50 friends at a time thing: I doubt I could name 50 people that I consider a 'close' friend or acquaintance (and isn't a close acquaintance a friend anyway...?) in fact, I'd be lucky to hit 20 I think. But I do agree that you only have room for a certain amount of relationships in your life. Some of those are permanent and some come along for the times that you need, but after awhile they don't always 'fit' anymore. This used to really bother me because I felt it was a failing on my part. But now I think it's just the way life is. I don't think it's worth pouring my effort into a relationship that doesn't give me anything in return. Maybe that sounds cold, but I'd rather save my time for the relationships that are important to me.
Actually, it puts me in mind of what a Dutch coworker told me when I finally broke down and asked her why she gave me the cold shoulder even though we worked in the same office, lived around the corner from each other, were the same age, had very similar tastes .... She said she already had enough friends.
I've always thought that sucked more than just a little bit.
I don't have enough room for many more friendships IRL - with young kids you are lucky if you can maintain the existing ones. These days it is harder than when I was younger because you do more 'one on one' things. I now eat out with another couple when we used to eat out with a group of 10 friends. To keep the same level of contact I have to eat out at least 5 times. I also have more 'seperate groups' of friends, which makes it harder. If you go around in mostly the same group you see people regularly because they all visit the same parties - now you see them maybe once of twice a year.
I find that more contact leads to better contact. If you speak to each other often you can share the little details, the fun ideas, the weird thoughts. If it has been a while since you saw each other most of the time is spent with getting up-to-date on the real events and things that happened and than it is harder to just discuss small events that made you think.
That is why I like hyves and other social networks. It gives me an opportunity to stay in touch with people in a nice way, to keep up with events in their lives and to follow what happends with them. They are usually people I bonded with, people I liked, people on my wavelength and people I cared for. Maybe I am in a phase where I have less in common with them, where we mean less for each other. But that might change, friendships also have waves I find and they might flare up again in future.
I do agree about the reunions and such though, which is why I always hesitate about going. But I had one from college a few months ago and was really happy I went because a few of the 'old gang' were there too and it felt really nice to see that we still were the same people with the same fun as we were 20 years ago. I had a great evening out and it had been a long time since I had so much uncomplicated fun.