So remember I told you about that boy ...

'When the feeling's right, I'm gonna stay all night, I'm gonna run to you.' - Bryan Adams, Run to You.

The one who I lost my virginity to? The one who was dating my girlfriend? The one who I slept with for a year before she found out?

Yes, that one. I think it's time to tell you more.

He's called Jono. Sexy name huh? And he is sexy.

Not over the top sexy like some of the other boys. Blond, a drinker, a smoker. He drinks too much and gets depressed and stubs out cigarettes on his palms. His hair flips forward over his face.  He has a way of saying 'Ash?' in this husky, smoke-coloured voice and my knees shake. He has a history. He's a bit of a bad boy. His ex is called Carolyn and I hear they did kinky things but I'm not sure what that means.

He smokes about 40 a day. He's 19. He has a little roll of fat on his tummy, just below the belly button, with little blond hairs on it. The little roll is from all the booze I guess. Not that I really notice. I'm too busy looking into his blue-grey eyes.

He dates Juliet. A tiny framed girl with dark hair and doe-eyes. A goth-chick waiting to happen. Complete contrast to me. Maybe that was the thrill. Or just easy sex, who knows.

The night I lose it is strange. We're in my cousin's room which is outside the house in an outbuilding and we're drinking vodka and cooldrink (like squash if you're English or limonade if you're Dutch). It would be vodka and Coke, but all the Coke is finished. He sits behind me while we listen to music and talk shit.

Bryan Adams is playing. We've got a Bryan Adams thing going on that year. He loves it. Every time he can he blasts the Bryan Adams. Especially Summer of '69 and One Night Love Affair. He tells me that this is my summer of '69. Reckless gets played over and over, and when we're drunk our teenage voices sing along to Heaven.

He drives a pale blue (or is it white?) Anglia with brown leather seats that go all the way back. He rolls it one night driving drunk on a straight road. Everyone laughs.

So we're sitting there on the bed and the room is full of people and then I feel a hand go down the back of my shorts. I keep drinking and I'm all the time I'm thinking. Then I feel him behind me and it's not his hand anymore. My shorts come down at the back and then suddenly I'm not a naive little girl anymore. In a room full of people so quietly. Just a gasp and ...

Then my uncle walks in and the cigarettes go out and the booze gets shuffled under the bed and my shorts are pulled up and the lights go off and there's no time to talk, just 'oh shit, we're not meant to be this drunk'.

Later that night I creep, quiet as a mouse, into his room and we finish it. I feel strange and new and I can't tell anyone.

This is my secret life.

In my secret life I'm fucking him in the car outside nightclubs while Juliet is inside dancing. At parties. In the dark in the street. Outside on the grass in the rain during a thunderstorm. In the pool, in the gazebo. On the couch watching stuffy British TV about lawyers. Does anyone really think we were staying up late at night to watch that? I'm 15!

For a good long while he just stays at my aunt's house, which is where I also live. His house is the other side of town and he works for my uncle so it's easier for him to sleep over.

He drinks too much vodka and falls asleep in the bath. My aunt sends me to knock on the door and wake him up. I can't go in, because this is not my secret life. I stand outside the door and talk to him. He comes out with his towel wrapped around him. I have to pretend I'm shy and I've never seen him naked. He bums smokes from my aunt and walks around in his towel for hours.

A year later I start working and just before my interview we have sex for pretty much the last time. We've been such good friends. It's not really sad when we stop, just strange and unusual.

My secret life had become a secret habit.

In 2007 I go on facebook and I look for him. I want to see if he got fat and old and grey, like everyone else did. I don't know why. He's better left blond and 19 but anyway, instead, I find another boy I slept with back then and we chat and he tells me 'oh, that... everyone knew, even Juliet'.

So much for my secret life.

Tell me, did you ever have a secret life?

Confess, even anonymously if you like.