David Ford sings for that special someone.
'My sweet indecision, do you think I'd wait around for you?' - David Ford, Go to Hell
Did you ever have one of those destructively compulsive yet ecstatic relationships with someone?
I had one. His name was Nick. He smelled of Blue Stratos.
When I smell that now I remember the taste of it on his skin. Baby soft, the alcohol of the cologne dried against his skin.
It was one of those relationships where you can't bear to be apart, where all you can think about is the next time and the next time. And the next time.
I remember lying in the park on a blanket for hours, covered in autumn leaves, and while I was with him, already thinking of the next time I'd be with him. I remember booking into a hotel room with him. I remember lying outside, under him, on patio cushions watching the stars move closer.
Listening to the Smiths. Getting high and listening to Learning to Fly and weeping, my tears dripping into his mouth, salty wet, because Pink Floyd were singing just for us.
Lying in bed together smoking pot, while he told me about working in England, which seemed so far away and so exotic to a girl who had never left Africa.
Eventually, as these things do, we broke up.
I ran into him again when I was very pregnant with my daughter and my knees almost gave way. I had climbed to the top of eight flights of stairs in a department store to have tea on the top floor and I was breathless, heavily pregnant and all I could think was 'god, he can't see me this way!'
The last time he'd seen me before was when I left his bed early one afternoon and never went back.
I remember dialling, getting to the last digit of his number and hanging up. Standing by the phone waiting and hoping but never being the one to call.
There was no email, no sms, no internet back then. Just a phone with an intermittent connection.
Sometimes it would ring and I'd pick up and there would be no-one there, and I would hope the no-one was him.
A few years later my then sister-in-law came by to tell me that he'd died in an air crash. My knees collapsed and I was sitting on the floor but I didn't cry.
The rivers of tears never came. They still haven't.
This song reminded me about how it was. The toxicity of the relationship that makes you keep going back for more. You know you're not suited but there's a chemical romance. You know that you don't work, won't work, but there's something about the touch and feel and smell and taste that makes you go back over and over.
So you do, and then it becomes untenable and you stop. It's hard to tell which is more difficult, the stopping or the carrying on.
Everyone's had one, I guess. Will you share yours with me?
You can read about David Ford, join his group on Facebook here, and if your Christmas spirit got a little twisted, download his song, Have Yourself a Bitter Little Christmas from itunes.
For more Christmas songs to get you in the mood visit Christmas Music Everyday.
Oh I had my toxic love affair too. So sweet and so bitter. I remember it just as I try to forget it, and, even twenty years after it ended, I find it hard to talk about.
You must have been around the same age as me when you had yours. I love your line about remembering it just as you try to forget it. I think there's something about being older that makes it even more poignant. I wonder sometimes if I'll ever have another one like that.
OK, coming for a male perspective, we too have these types of relationships. I sometimes think it's easier for men to fall in to them because many women wield great power when it comes to men and relationships, at least in my case.
I can remember at least three such relationships. Each varied in degree. I think they were at 16, 19 and 24 years of age. The one at 24 still haunts me, even 18 years later. Man, she had such a way about her, knowing exactly what to say, when to say it and how to say it. She could get me to do most anything, and she did.
Don't get me wrong, it was exciting, sexy, stimulating, and turmoltous. I loved every minute with her. Everything we did was an adventure. Whether it was just walking along the pier at sunset, concerts in the park or crazy kinky sensual sex - whatever she dreamed up, we made it a reality. Like I said, she could get me to do most anything.
I have to thank her for this because it has make me more adventurous in my middle age and I am very open about many things. She made the difference. I still think of her at the oddest time. I still get those butterflies in my stomach and that tingle down below. Right now... it's happening again.
I really hope I never lose this. It's a part of me, she's a part of me. We all interconnect with each other, good or bad, and we keep this with us. It help define us and shape who we will become as we ever change.
Strange what desire will make foolish people do
Oh Dan, desire makes people do very peculiar things. But I think a boy band has to be one of the best :)
Mr Anonymous: It's difficult not to look back and regret. Regret that things happened or that they didn't. Overall I guess it's better just to accept that even if things go well, they change.
Someone told me once, 'it would either go very right or very wrong. And if it went very right, it would still be very wrong. '. How's that for a cryptic and misleading sentence?
But back to your comment, I wonder if women really wield such power?
I have always felt like I'm the one standing on the wrong leg, wondering if I've said or done the right thing. I know I'm not the only woman to feel this way.
Maybe it makes me more aloof. I am friendly and charming but for all the really important things I hold back. With Nick was probably the only time in my life, bar once, subsequently, that I've thrown myself into something. It seems to me that the more throwing oneself into a thing there is, the more heartbreak follows.
We're all connected, but sometimes we're more connected than others.
Ash,
You do wield this power. It is a female thing. You just need to tap in to it. It's that whole "inner Goddess" thing. Woman of all sizes, shapes and colours have this. Some just know how to use it better than others. Again, it is not a bad thing. It's just a way to attract people. You have it. I know it. I can see it in you. Let it loose.
Mr Anon: Oh, but then what? Inner Goddess stuff should maybe stay inside. Every single story I've ever read that involves goddesses letting themselves loose ends in some kind of fire and brimstone, death and destruction :)
ash, thank you so much to the link to my christmasmusiceveryday.com site.
i assume you found it by googling david ford. thanks to that christmas song i have been introduced to him here in america and have gone out and bought all his albums. terrific artist.
i enjoyed your post very much and wish you the best in 2008 with no more sad, sad days....
bean.
seattle, washington, u.s.a.
Hi Bean!
I found your site by googling 'bitter little christmas'. David Ford I already knew about from inadvertently coming across him somewhere or another.
Absolutely love his music and am hoping that he comes to Amsterdam so that I can go and see him.
2008 will be wonderful, I know it, and luckily my sad days seem to cluster around this time of year so I can easily say they will be over soon :)
You did a wonderful job with the music. Great choices! Looking forward to seeing what you come up with next year. Thanks for stopping by and commenting :)
Happy 2008 to you too!
xx
Ash